After growing up in a loud, violent and conservative Christian home, and after decades of perpetuating various forms of abuse in my own households, I steadfast became a renunciant. This choice was at-first unconscious, and also it took decades for me to better understand my will around the decision… to be different than I was. I spiritually needed to renounce not only violence and religion, but also prevent denial of myself, and disallow mental separation from my spirit.
What a renunciant at some deep levels of consciousness does, is keep track of what their shadow side wishes for, what acts society is committing, and how “people of the world” are. And for example, then would forego those wishes, or stop doing and saying what others are doing to be accepted. Part of me feels like renunciation can appear as a rebellion against the anti-self. Whether or not you have ever tried to wean yourself off of modern or religious lifestyles, I have. Renunciation of any life aspect or value system, takes a lot of focus and commitment. Pain is common. But, what is pain? It is universal, that’s what it is. It’s best (in my opinion) that I become intimate with my pains.
The lessons that I have learned — for myself — may be resonant with you. My statements of renunciation are common to many in my networks and spheres of influence. It feels “easy” for me to be a renunciant, when all I have to do is agree with statements such as:
- NO, I will not buy a luxury car that runs on fossil fuels that are (face it) destroying life on earth.
- NO, I will not attempt to support war or acts of biased hatred against any others.
- NO, I will not watch “our amazing TV show” and be distracted from entertaining my purpose (and friends!) in real life.
Perhaps renunciants like me need to go to therapy, or have some more fun. Haha. You have no idea how much money I’ve spent on therapy… which (for the record) seems to have been well-spent. And, I’ve made my living by producing fun. In a celebration, actually having fun is something a renunciant likely knows how to do well. Fun is of course subjective, and modes of fun suitable for a renunciant are theirs to discover and sense. Perhaps fun is actually based on one’s own intuition and intelligence. I don’t know. What is considered to be fun anyway? Having fun while existing in the shared Matrices of our shared earth lives, is of personal preference.
This is a pre surgery hospital photo. My daughter wanted a photo. My jaw at that moment was unhinged and crooked. She called me “pretty,” although I felt somewhat like a freak.
H x W x D. 3D. Whatever that means to you, in the ways it has been explained to me, 3D is easy to understand. Easier to navigate, especially more so than navigating the deep spiritual waters of one’s true nature and intelligent purpose in being. For me, contemplating and “making space” in my consciousness for embracing the loving unknown, adds a layer of beauty to the otherwise distracting navigation required of living in this 3rd dimensional reality.
As the days go on, I remind myself that I only know *ONE thing* to be true. I know ONLY that love is real. But, love is perhaps rarely seen until it becomes physically visible. (Like by cuddling or making love or what-have-you.) And so, I’d assert that love in modern societies is often “out of sight, out of mind.”
As a renunciant, I have rejected all other truth except for that truth of love. Love is at the core of my being, at every detectable level that I can intelligently express. When I have been at the deepest leagues of self-loathing and spiritual suffocation, I have each time been lifted up by the sense of love, or the feeling of love, or the hope and inspiration of love, or the experience of love, or the observation of love. And more recently (as time would tell), I have had the pleasure of feeling self-love at all levels of my being. This is a new loving experience for me. Whereas for example, “in moments prior to now,” I have completely hated myself in ways or on levels that I would never plan to publicly admit.
Like love, I “see” that time is mostly unseen; except for when we are in meetings, and gardens, and fighting with our skin’s wrinkles. We have been so conditioned to mind time as our master, that I feel we as humans have made the act of honoring time more of a priority than the act of loving. Where am I going with all of this though? All is well, because of a meditation I experienced, that I want to share here.
This was a renunciant’s type of meditation. Each thought going into this meditation was being checked and cleared, categorized and vaporized. It was exhausting. I was running in mental circles for some reasons that I had undoubtedly caused myself to experience. Thankfully, the deep and intentional breaths that I had initiated, began to work. And soon, I was far into the channels of high-vibe self-love; running currents of nothingness and light through my neurons and cells. Placing a call for love both inwards and outwards and through my reality and being. In a flash, I remembered that I trusted myself. For some reason, remembering that I trust myself calms me down. Past that, I felt a deep love and appreciation for my life, and for my beating heart.
Then, in my visual field I was blank. I heard a deep charming sense of being vibrate across that blank screen of my mind. In particular, the three “vibes” I subconsciously gave to myself in this place, sounded like:
- I love you Alisha
- I have always loved you Alisha
- I will always love you Alisha
I cried, because I felt true love emanating from within me. I felt that this love was my own.
Coming this Tuesday, as the full moon happens, I am in awe that 40 days since my jaw-breaking accident will have passed. I go to my 4-week surgical follow-up meeting on Wednesday. As you may know, I am recovering from an accidental fall that required surgery, and for my jaw to currently be wired-shut. Oh yes, I am humbled by the experiences and realizations that have come through my current lens of slight phyiscal disability. I still feel as a renunciant does, and yet with my accident I did unwittingly accept a new layer — of solid food renunciation. But this change in lifestyle is not the most humbling of my current state and self-realizations.
Like others, I’m a being with a list of experiences that range in description from challenges overcome, to accounted mega-losses. During the last full moon this past March, I did something that I’ve been doing at each half-and-full moon cycle. I hand wrote my intentions for what my life can be like in any given moment.
Fast fact to help this story along: I have been training my left hand and fingers for close to 20 years. I know how-to write in cursive with my left hand now. Writing in cursive with my left hand is more time consuming and awkward. So, I will often challenge myself to write left-handed when I really want to get to the absolute essence of what I feel, know, mean, etc. After all, at a selfish level of comfort, I do not normally want to cause myself any “extra” discomfort or challenge when I feel vulnerable and open to expressing myself. The reason for my using my left-hand and developing my dexterity and control, was because of a broken left wrist, which required surgery. That was 20 years ago. And sometime soon after that surgery is when I realized that if I had broken my right wrist, that I would not have been able to function even at a sub-optimal level. I never wanted to be disabled. And to the contrary, I wanted to be strong, in case I ever broke my right wrist or arm. Yes, this may have began as a paranoid thought. But in fact, the thought was actually based upon my experience and challenges of living for 8-weeks with a cast (still, while taking care of my infant daughter).
This image from early 1998 shows my wounded left wing. You’ll also notice my adorable infant daughter.
I have been processing many emotions since my accident, which was my own fault and doing. No one else to blame really. Just whatever choices I had made, which led me to that moment of literal unconsciousness (I suddenly fainted). And so this past full moon, just after my accident, I decided to write my intentions with my left hand (instead of write with my right). Which to me, meant that I was posing a challenge to myself. I had to know how I was viewing my current lifestyle and situation. I wanted to use my list of left-handed intentions as a tool for self-reflection and inward searching for truth. I feel like I am leading such a simple existence at this moment in my life, and at that moment, I desired to be absorbed within the true love I feel in my spirit and daily being.
During the last full moon, I spent a little while handwriting my intentions, while remembering my slow and full breaths; as I connected my inky pen to a page of loose leaf paper. In that state of left-handed cursive, I could feel attuned to a state of mind that was calm and open to connecting with love and all that is love. On that paper, I wrote the following *spells* to inspire and challenge myself to be more… Me.
Humbling Loving Full Moon of Shining Self-Realization and Truth (I Intend To Realize These Experiences):
Learned from prior choices
Re Commit to total self-respect
Moderation over sensation
Asking For Guidance & Listening
Enacting Miracles & Acknowledging (Them)
Preparing For Wild Success
Enjoy Every Opportunity for healing, advancement & forgiveness
And with a full month’s timing already coming past, I look on that list of intentions without criticism, and with self-compassion. I have indeed had a range of newness and experiences that are beyond my prior imagination. I had never imagined myself to someday be limited from my normal physical jaw function. Having been in some ways humiliated by simple living this past month, I am apt to bring more self-awareness into my integrated ways of being.
Jaw is wired shut for a few more weeks. But, I have (cute) new glasses. WOW what a unique time in my life.
No one should become a renunciant, unless they find causes to. It is not always glamorous to go against the proverbial grain, nor is it safe always, or wise to share to everyone about. If there is one thing that I will NOT be renouncing this full moon, it is my love for myself. Indeed, during this last period of partial physical disability, I have mulled over my life. It is true that I have internally scanned for, and also have found incidental and accidental reflections of who I am being, and what I want to be. This inquiry and exploration speaks to my desire to loving myself and others more. Since again, love is the ultimate and only truth that I know. (Although, I do not prefer or personally subscribe to sharing space or brain waves with those who discourage or abuse me.)
Yes, self-love is a new pendant which I now proudly wear. Whatever shape this coming full moon finds you in, and however far along in my healing process I actually am, I am prepared to write another list of full moon intentions. Only this list, this time, I will do it for all our sakes. Not just mine. I’ve never tried that exactly, in this way. And for you, and me, I will use my left-hand in careful expression of what may be. I hope that the full moon after next finds us more tied together in love than ever before. I shall renounce the alternative.
If you’re interested, you can click below to enlarge my left-handed intentions from the last full moon. Thank You for reading.