Category: Confession Time

When Authors Go Rogue

About Three Cups Of Tea

In mid-March of this year (2017), I was recovering from jaw surgery. In the days before the surgery, I was shopping for comfort and convenience items. I was expecting the worst, and so was purchasing items that might make life more bearable. Namely, some new books. 🙂 One book was called Three Cups Of Tea, and the other title I had purchased was Autobiography Of A Yogi. From the moment I cracked the cover of Three Cups Of Tea, I was enamored. The book was about the journey of a man named Greg Mortenson. The first reason I loved the book was deep; the protagonist (Greg) was recounting his being forever caught in the fate of purveying cross-cultural acts of humanity. I swear that I was crying every other chapter. This book title was one of two that I purchased specifically to take my mind off of myself and my own predicament during my jaw surgery recovery. The writing style bringing me to tears seemed almost magical. And four weeks later, I finished the book so inspired, that I decided to look up the authors and learn more about them.

Bad Boys

As of now, it has been 30-days since I finished Three Cups Of Tea, a book billed as non-fiction. TOTAL Bummer! In my research and attempts to learn more — to get inside the head of such a brilliant writer — I learned some facts that disturbed me to-the-max. First, I found out that the book’s co-author, David Oliver Relin, had committed suicide. Two clicks later, I learn it’s because of all the sh*t he received, after it was revealed that MANY details of the book were completely fabricated. BUT, all those sweet tears I shed! Sheesh… what bad boys. The last 30-days since finishing the book have been strange, as I ponder the shared reality which makes writers and people who are writing, dishonest with each other. I guess everyone wants to tell a tale of wonderment. But still, curious if YOU have ever felt as cheated or disappointed as I did, with these authors?

Whaaaa???

YES. The authors had worked together and lied — by exaggerating details to make the book sale and gain publicity. This is not actually the first time I’ve read a “non-fiction” book that was later publicly discredited. But, for the sake of the subject matter of this book, which was centered around building schools for poor girls, this cheating on details was heartbreaking for me to consider. Granted, as an author judging another author, it is 1,000% still amazing how Relin wrote me into a frenzy. His genius was obvious! Perhaps, had he stayed alive to move on and adapt for a screenplay, I would still have watched a movie version of the printed story. However the genius may have affected me, I’ve learned (once, again) that I prefer my non-fiction writers to be in their higher levels of integrity.  

The Business of Self

As I heal from an epic fall-turned-surgery, I am learning more about my real self than ever before. I partially blame all the scans I’m getting for this. The other reason I am learning is because of my career as a writer and researcher. Getting referrals for the very specific care that my medical case requires, would be more exhausting if I didn’t have a desire to heal. Being on the mend requires that I keep a certain quality and amount of energy in my body. The right kind of energy can act like a key, further unlocking my body’s healing potential. And I, need ALL of the physical healing that I can get. Being into holistic medicine is something I live in my daily life. Some people call me a Hippie. But I am like a next gen Hippie. A Happie. Haha In the midst of my journey through healing from jaw surgery and three break sites, you might be happy to know that I’m taking it easy. I am doing first for myself, and then for others. Being “sick” or in my case recovering from surgery while healing from broken bones, is perfect cause for slowing down. Despite any mental energy that I have, my body always seems to take control. When I’m tired, I rest. Sometimes for 10 hours. When I am hungry, I take all the time and care and “Happie space” in the world for eating. My relationship with food has changed for the time being. Liquid everything. Rule #1: I must enjoy the meals that I am ingesting, which also have to align with both my tastes, and medical/healing needs. Recently, I sat in my surgeon’s office. He is in Mesa AZ and is a DDS. A surgeon-dentist. He is well respected because “he is thorough” (from what I was told by a doctor/resident who was at my surgery assisting my surgeon). So, I was sitting in the nice padded chair, and was glad to see sunlight from behind a nice cool glass, with a little bit of leaves and bushes to appreciate in my front view. A moment later I was being “un-wired” with the potential that I’d graduate to the next step of my care program. The next steps are to take off the wires permanently, and install rubber bands. But, no luck. Photo Reaction Re-Cap: Look up, L to Right, you can see snapshots of me before getting unwired; next, you can see the metal currently in my mouth. Yes my mouth is wired shut using actual wire. Third, after being unwired, I am open-mouthed for 45 minutes. That time was spent productively, as I was trying to open and close my mouth on a jaw that is sort of “brand new” to me. (Unknown how I was going to feel UN-wired, I expected soreness.) I found that the muscles in my tongue are not exactly strong right now. Those weakened/currently unused muscles in my jaw/face feel like they are tied directly to the jaw-break site on the same side of my face. WOW what an intense reality being un-wired was. As I was being wired again, I cried, but that’s healthy. I did feel a bit devastated to be wired, again. But, another appointment was set for 2-weeks. After the appointment I realize that I am not a quitter. I already have a plan in process to accelerate the healing process of my bones and tissues. I’ll talk about my Next Level Healing below. That same day, but at night, I switched gears and readied myself emotionally for the launch of the Jack Stuler Foundation non-profit organization launch project that I’ve been co-spearheading since last June. My client and partner, Sabina Kelly-Allen is Jack Stuler’s daughter, and the Director of the organization. Along with Marilyn Hayes and Neil Miller, the Phoenix Art Museum classroom was a perfect backdrop for our very first event. I’ll write about this soon, and have some fun pictures and WAY COOL NEWS FOR ARTISTS IN AZ. The image you see above is lights dimmed inside the presentation. I’m standing at the back of the classroom, and there are about 35 people in attendance for this InFocus-sponsored lecture.

Just before that evening’s event though…

I had received favorable news from the Children’s Museum of Phoenix. My “Pin and Eye” (“two little guys”) photography is going to be placed on-exhibit inside the Museum! I will post more about this soon. Such a cool opportunity, and I am grateful to have had the inspiration to create a specialty visual presentation and written proposal to them. This is my first art submission! Home Run!

The Current Chapter Is The Next Level Of My Healing

Where am I at now? You know, the next day after the JSF launch event, which was yesterday. That was also a big day for me. I went to visit a specialist and 42-year veteran in the holistic dentistry realm. His name is Dr. Nicholas J. Meyer. There is an injection therapy called PRP that Dr. Meyer performed. My fear of needles is lessening, the more I encounter them. Needles aside, I’ll soon write about my unique day at his office in the Scottsdale area. Fascinating avenues for healing exist for my particular situation and case. My care has to be very specialized at this point, or my health could decline quickly. I refuse to decline in my health, because I like healing as a lifestyle normally, anyway. More on this holistic dentistry adventure coming soon to this blog.

My friend Wayne loved Charles

Wayne Schoeneberg and I have a unique interpersonal relationship.

We met through another person, Molly, pre 9/11. Then on 9/11/2001, Wayne called Molly to wake us up. He was in St. Louis at his HQ, and we were in Harlem. He wanted us to wake up and know that something was happening just a couple miles away from where we were. I was there visiting. Wayne ended up driving up to see us. Lots of precious memories there, too.

Wayne has a special place in my memory and life.

And recently, Wayne lost a dear friend, Charles. We all know him as Chuck Berry, but Wayne was Charles’ lawyer and friend. Over their decades of friendship and collaboration, many memories were made. Can you imagine the reality of being best friends and hanging out with Chuck Berry in all sorts of situations? Can you imaging having Chuck Berry as your long-term client?

IN a recent e-mail from Wayne’s newsletter list:

Good Bye My Friend: For more than 20 years this man was my friend and client. I knew him as Charles. Most of the world knew him as Chuck Berry. He was a very complex man. But he was better than good to me. I got the opportunity to say good bye to him at his funeral. Click the link to see a video from his funeral. He changed the music world as it was known then and as it will be known for many years to come. It was a privilege to get the opportunity to serve him as his attorney and to know him as my friend.

Well, I will let Wayne tell you more himself.

In this brief video, Wayne recently spoke to those who gathered to remember the man and miracle music-maker, Charles “Chuck” Berry. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN & WATCH. Dear Wayne: You sounded as beautiful and eloquent as-always.

Re: renunciation

After growing up in a loud, violent and conservative Christian home, and after decades of perpetuating various forms of abuse in my own households, I steadfast became a renunciant. This choice was at-first unconscious, and also it took decades for me to better understand my will around the decision… to be different than I was. I spiritually needed to renounce not only violence and religion, but also prevent denial of myself, and disallow mental separation from my spirit.

What a renunciant at some deep levels of consciousness does, is keep track of what their shadow side wishes for, what acts society is committing, and how “people of the world” are. And for example, then would forego those wishes, or stop doing and saying what others are doing to be accepted. Part of me feels like renunciation can appear as a rebellion against the anti-self. Whether or not you have ever tried to wean yourself off of modern or religious lifestyles, I have. Renunciation of any life aspect or value system, takes a lot of focus and commitment. Pain is common. But, what is pain? It is universal, that’s what it is. It’s best (in my opinion) that I become intimate with my pains.

The lessons that I have learned — for myself — may be resonant with you. My statements of renunciation are common to many in my networks and spheres of influence. It feels “easy” for me to be a renunciant, when all I have to do is agree with statements such as:

  1. NO, I will not buy a luxury car that runs on fossil fuels that are (face it) destroying life on earth.
  2. NO, I will not attempt to support war or acts of biased hatred against any others.
  3. NO, I will not watch “our amazing TV show” and be distracted from entertaining my purpose (and friends!) in real life.

Perhaps renunciants like me need to go to therapy, or have some more fun. Haha. You have no idea how much money I’ve spent on therapy… which (for the record) seems to have been well-spent. And, I’ve made my living by producing fun. In a celebration, actually having fun is something a renunciant likely knows how to do well. Fun is of course subjective, and modes of fun suitable for a renunciant are theirs to discover and sense. Perhaps fun is actually based on one’s own intuition and intelligence. I don’t know. What is considered to be fun anyway? Having fun while existing in the shared Matrices of our shared earth lives, is of personal preference.
This is a pre surgery hospital photo. My daughter wanted a photo. My jaw at that moment was unhinged and crooked. She called me “pretty,” although I felt somewhat like a freak.

H x W x D. 3D. Whatever that means to you, in the ways it has been explained to me, 3D is easy to understand. Easier to navigate, especially more so than navigating the deep spiritual waters of one’s true nature and intelligent purpose in being. For me, contemplating and “making space” in my consciousness for embracing the loving unknown, adds a layer of beauty to the otherwise distracting navigation required of living in this 3rd dimensional reality.

As the days go on, I remind myself that I only know *ONE thing* to be true. I know ONLY that love is real. But, love is perhaps rarely seen until it becomes physically visible. (Like by cuddling or making love or what-have-you.) And so, I’d assert that love in modern societies is often “out of sight, out of mind.”

As a renunciant, I have rejected all other truth except for that truth of love. Love is at the core of my being, at every detectable level that I can intelligently express. When I have been at the deepest leagues of self-loathing and spiritual suffocation, I have each time been lifted up by the sense of love, or the feeling of love, or the hope and inspiration of love, or the experience of love, or the observation of love. And more recently (as time would tell), I have had the pleasure of feeling self-love at all levels of my being. This is a new loving experience for me. Whereas for example, “in moments prior to now,” I have completely hated myself in ways or on levels that I would never plan to publicly admit.

Like love, I “see” that time is mostly unseen; except for when we are in meetings, and gardens, and fighting with our skin’s wrinkles. We have been so conditioned to mind time as our master, that I feel we as humans have made the act of honoring time more of a priority than the act of loving. Where am I going with all of this though? All is well, because of a meditation I experienced, that I want to share here.

This was a renunciant’s type of meditation. Each thought going into this meditation was being checked and cleared, categorized and vaporized. It was exhausting. I was running in mental circles for some reasons that I had undoubtedly caused myself to experience. Thankfully, the deep and intentional breaths that I had initiated, began to work. And soon, I was far into the channels of high-vibe self-love; running currents of nothingness and light through my neurons and cells. Placing a call for love both inwards and outwards and through my reality and being. In a flash, I remembered that I trusted myself. For some reason, remembering that I trust myself calms me down. Past that, I felt a deep love and appreciation for my life, and for my beating heart.

Then, in my visual field I was blank. I heard a deep charming sense of being vibrate across that blank screen of my mind. In particular, the three “vibes” I subconsciously gave to myself in this place, sounded like:

  • I love you Alisha
  • I have always loved you Alisha
  • I will always love you Alisha

I cried, because I felt true love emanating from within me. I felt that this love was my own.

Coming this Tuesday, as the full moon happens, I am in awe that 40 days since my jaw-breaking accident will have passed. I go to my 4-week surgical follow-up meeting on Wednesday. As you may know, I am recovering from an accidental fall that required surgery, and for my jaw to currently be wired-shut. Oh yes, I am humbled by the experiences and realizations that have come through my current lens of slight phyiscal disability. I still feel as a renunciant does, and yet with my accident I did unwittingly accept a new layer — of solid food renunciation. But this change in lifestyle is not the most humbling of my current state and self-realizations.

Like others, I’m a being with a list of experiences that range in description from challenges overcome, to accounted mega-losses. During the last full moon this past March, I did something that I’ve been doing at each half-and-full moon cycle. I hand wrote my intentions for what my life can be like in any given moment.

Fast fact to help this story along: I have been training my left hand and fingers for close to 20 years. I know how-to write in cursive with my left hand now. Writing in cursive with my left hand is more time consuming and awkward. So, I will often challenge myself to write left-handed when I really want to get to the absolute essence of what I feel, know, mean, etc. After all, at a selfish level of comfort, I do not normally want to cause myself any “extra” discomfort or challenge when I feel vulnerable and open to expressing myself. The reason for my using my left-hand and developing my dexterity and control, was because of a broken left wrist, which required surgery. That was 20 years ago. And sometime soon after that surgery is when I realized that if I had broken my right wrist, that I would not have been able to function even at a sub-optimal level. I never wanted to be disabled. And to the contrary, I wanted to be strong, in case I ever broke my right wrist or arm. Yes, this may have began as a paranoid thought. But in fact, the thought was actually based upon my experience and challenges of living for 8-weeks with a cast (still, while taking care of my infant daughter).
This image from early 1998 shows my wounded left wing. You’ll also notice my adorable infant daughter.

I have been processing many emotions since my accident, which was my own fault and doing. No one else to blame really. Just whatever choices I had made, which led me to that moment of literal unconsciousness (I suddenly fainted). And so this past full moon, just after my accident, I decided to write my intentions with my left hand (instead of write with my right). Which to me, meant that I was posing a challenge to myself. I had to know how I was viewing my current lifestyle and situation. I wanted to use my list of left-handed intentions as a tool for self-reflection and inward searching for truth. I feel like I am leading such a simple existence at this moment in my life, and at that moment, I desired to be absorbed within the true love I feel in my spirit and daily being.

During the last full moon, I spent a little while handwriting my intentions, while remembering my slow and full breaths; as I connected my inky pen to a page of loose leaf paper. In that state of left-handed cursive, I could feel attuned to a state of mind that was calm and open to connecting with love and all that is love. On that paper, I wrote the following *spells* to inspire and challenge myself to be more… Me.

Humbling Loving Full Moon of Shining Self-Realization and Truth (I Intend To Realize These Experiences):

Learned from prior choices

Re Commit to total self-respect

Moderation over sensation

Asking For Guidance & Listening

Enacting Miracles & Acknowledging (Them)

Preparing For Wild Success

Enjoy Every Opportunity for healing, advancement & forgiveness

And with a full month’s timing already coming past, I look on that list of intentions without criticism, and with self-compassion. I have indeed had a range of newness and experiences that are beyond my prior imagination. I had never imagined myself to someday be limited from my normal physical jaw function. Having been in some ways humiliated by simple living this past month, I am apt to bring more self-awareness into my integrated ways of being.
Jaw is wired shut for a few more weeks. But, I have (cute) new glasses. WOW what a unique time in my life.

No one should become a renunciant, unless they find causes to. It is not always glamorous to go against the proverbial grain, nor is it safe always, or wise to share to everyone about. If there is one thing that I will NOT be renouncing this full moon, it is my love for myself. Indeed, during this last period of partial physical disability, I have mulled over my life. It is true that I have internally scanned for, and also have found incidental and accidental reflections of who I am being, and what I want to be. This inquiry and exploration speaks to my desire to loving myself and others more. Since again, love is the ultimate and only truth that I know. (Although, I do not prefer or personally subscribe to sharing space or brain waves with those who discourage or abuse me.)

Yes, self-love is a new pendant which I now proudly wear. Whatever shape this coming full moon finds you in, and however far along in my healing process I actually am, I am prepared to write another list of full moon intentions. Only this list, this time, I will do it for all our sakes. Not just mine. I’ve never tried that exactly, in this way. And for you, and me, I will use my left-hand in careful expression of what may be. I hope that the full moon after next finds us more tied together in love than ever before. I shall renounce the alternative.

If you’re interested, you can click below to enlarge my left-handed intentions from the last full moon. Thank You for reading.

15 Feb

It’s Confession Time… Read On

Question: Have you ever considered what life would be like, without the joys of Arts and Music? Oh, how I love the Arts and Music. Whoever you are, the Arts and Music have likely forever changed and improved your quality of life.

Little Alisha Bee in Douglas AZ
I have been personally involved with the Arts and Music since childhood. There have also been spans of time in adulthood that I did not produce even one project for many years. (A silly mistake, in retrospect.) But then sometimes, there are entire YEARS where I am like a production machine. In the last few years, instead of being “on again, off again,” I have been practicing staying steady with producing new works. This approach feels more comfortable to me, and this website is a result of that more balanced approach.

“Artists. Musicians. Ones that are successful, and who know how-to make a living producing their art, are a rare breed. As a business person and fledgling Artist and Musician, I have forever envied the lives of famous Artists.”

My Confession Is That…In my heart’s fondest and most fun wish, I want to be one of these special persons! Yes! I will be a successful and happy Artist and Musician, that knows how-to make a living by sharing the beauty and FUN of the Arts. It is my right to try, anyway! And so, this website is dedicated to fulfilling my playgirl’s dream of “supporting myself” with my creative productivity.

Creativity Meant For Your Consumption

Do you like finding and sharing new Music? If you enjoy hearing original music from independent Artists, then I say that you’re guaranteed to like my new album, “Meet Me There.” This album is filled with 9 tracks, 22 minutes of rhythmic instrumental music. To purchase you can simply download. Or, wait until the CD is out this Spring (with limited edition, signed cover Art).

CLICK HERE and indulge. Buy it for yourself. Or, gift the album to someone you know will like it.

New Projects Coming Soon

I will certainly continue to add new product options as soon as I properly finish them.

CLICK HERE to see my current catalogue.  

All Orders FREE Shipping. Thank You. Dismiss